The pressure is getting to me... :)

Where are my deep thoughts today? Has anyone seen them??

I've been with my grandparents today. This morning I drove them to the Daniel den Hoed hospital for a check-up for my grandfather. Still one month to go before they'll do new scans of his lungs to see how much of the cancer cells have disappeared. My grandfather is very optimistic, says he can't feel them anymore :) Throughout the whole ordeal (sp?) he kept his sense of humor. Love that man.

After lunch he felt so good that he went into the garden to pull some weeds and just be outside. All winter he had been either too sick or too weak to do anything outside of their home. Today I could see the lights twinkle in his eyes again when he put on 4 layers of clothes and his warm winter jacket. My grandmother wasn't too happy, but I think we both realize that the man lives to be outside. He has been cropped up in their home more in the last few months than in all of his 77 years, I think!

My grandmother and me looked out the back-window to watch my grandfather. For a moment it looked like nothing had happened... nothing was different... never had that frightening disease entered our lives... but then it all came back for me. I'm just so grateful he's still here with us... and enjoying every moment together, even if we're just sitting across each other at the dinner table, him browsing through 'De Kampioen' and me solving today's Sudoku in the newspaper...

I sensed my grandmother was still a bit worried about him being out there in the cold, so I suggested a little 'retail therapy' to take her mind of things. Hey, she may be well in her seventies too, but retail therapy works for all girls, all ages :) Especially when we're talking about cheap retail therapy ;)

So off we went to Hoogvliet, home of the region's Miss Etam/Promiss-outlet store. Walking up to the front, I noticed the store was quite crowded... entering the store it became clear it wasn't just crowded: there was a waiting line for the cash register that went almost ALL AROUND THE STORE!!! What the ...?! After some inspection I noticed there were little sale signs everywhere! 50% of the lowest price on the tag! Considering I liked the prices at this outlet already, I LOVED them now :)

Grandma and me did our round around the store, gathering all clothes we liked and that were available in our sizes, before we went for the fitting rooms (where it was surprisingly quiet). I don't like to go back and forth to get other/more cloths, but this time I could hardly carry my load... *blushing* It didn't all fit me or my style, but most of it was too good to pass up. So, over an hour in line and 47 euros later, I was the proud owner of 11 new garments (and one for my mom). For your information, grandma bought 2 t-shirts, but not the ones she tried on and when we came home they didn't fit like she liked them too, so I'm taking them back tommorrow...

But the spending (ok, MY spending) aside, it was just great to be with her for an afternoon. Just the two of us (and like it felt HUNDREDS of other women in that store...) talking and laughing and laughing and talking some more.

So no really deep thoughts today... But a lot of pink and fuzzy feelings about this quality time with my grandparents...

This (older) layout is from their 40th wedding anniversary last year.

Not only pink and fluffy...

Ok, I know I give the impression with my blog title that I'm only into pink fuzzy thoughts... Well, most of the time I use those to block out other things that otherwise would keep my mind occupated all through the night. A girl needs her sleep, right?

But I keep thinking maybe I should share some of the deeper thoughts as well.. Wouldn't want my friends to think there's nothing more to me than eating and scrapbooking and having fun... :)

The last two weeks or so a certain subject seems to pop up more often than before, in conversations with several friends: why do we keep talking about things we think we really should put aside and don't bother with? Answer: because we can't. But live would be too simple if that was that.

I'm reading a lot of weblogs by scrapbookers and 'serious' artists, to find out they're not that different from you and me. Keri Smith, an illustrator from Toronto, wrote some words that have been in my head ever since I read them. I know she writes in light of her creative abilities, her creative state of mind, but even though we aren't all established artist, aren't we creating our lives?

"I've been looking for a way to start writing. An idea, a method, something poignant to say. How do I write something comforting, when I do not feel comfortable? Talking about creating and being creative seems frivolous right now, unnecessary. How do we even talk about something we have no way of understanding? I can talk about what I do know.

It is not what is said that matters, it is the act of writing and talking that helps us, heals us.

I have heard interviews with many writers suffering from what appears to be a "trauma induced writers block". Speechlessness. That dull pain in the pit of your stomach wants to leech all the words out of you in a breathless thump. But this is precisely where we need to go, to investigate the nature of this pain. To just try and get some words out.

(...)

How we so need to express ourselves, to understand the jumble of emotions, to process the intense images we have taken in, in such a short period of time.

I crave comfort. In a time where such comfort is elusive, deep down I know that I must really test the limits and breadth of my creativity by continuing to write and express. My faith in creating is being tested. My faith in everything is being tested. I will not back down. Yes, I have been here before just not in the same way. What
got me through it was a incredible and ironic lesson in the power of expression.

(...)

"The remedy for those who are afraid, lonely, or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quite alone with the heavens, nature and god. Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be and that god wishes to see people happy amidst the simple beauty of nature. As long as this exists, I know there will always be comfort for every sorrow, whatever the circumstances may be."
-Anne Frank 1944

(...)"

Just some words that resonated with me... You might think it's far from what led me here: why do we keep talking about things we think we should put aside? I think I found an answer in Keri's words: because we're just not there yet. And to get there, we should express ourselves, to learn, to heal, to understand.

You can use a journal, whether it's on paper or on screen.
You can scrapbook about it.
You can talk to good friends.

As long as you just do it and together we'll get through it all.
Eventually.
I promise.

Happy Valentine!

Valentines card 2006, originally uploaded by nensiedepensie.

Ok, I'm a few days late... but I just wanted to share the card I made Maurice. I think he liked it better when he opened it and thought it said "Xbox" in the middle... ;) My funny man.